Birder Admits to Using HGH and Steroids To Improve His Performance on the Trail

(HUMOR with birding/wood-warbler punchlines)

by Daniel Edelstein

In a statement released through his birdwatching agent today, Daniel Edelstein apologized for using human growth hormone (HGH) and steroids to become a better birder.

Here is the text of his statement as it appears on his Web site and from the AP newswire:
First, it’s important to know that contrary to media reports, I have never used steroids. I have no idea why the media would say that I have used steroids. But they forever stained my name (and binocular lens). And they persist in doing so repeatedly. This stain is hurtful to me and my family. We are running out of patience -- and money to buy Shout Away.

Let’s look at the facts. The facts are all that I want -- to borrow a phrase from Joe Friday on the old TV show called Dragnet. In 2005, I injured my arm. So what was I supposed to do? Bird only on the Internet and not hit the trail?

I think not. So, given I had heard that human growth hormone could promote faster healing for my binocular panning skills, it seemed like an easy decision. Besides, I felt an obligation to fellow birders everywhere, especially my chums on our World Series of Birding team.

That’s exactly why people say there’s no “I” in the word “team.” I think they’re referring to my dutiful loyalty when they use that phrase.

Anyway, for this reason, and only this reason, for two days I tried human growth hormone. Hey, it wasn’t against the American Birding Association’s Code of Ethics.

The good news is that I felt guilty, despite the fact I was NOT breaking the rules. So I stopped. That was it. Two days out of my birding life. That’s far less time than the amount you’ve endured standing in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles.

Did my actions help me get off the birding Disabled List and back on the trail faster than normal? Perhaps. But note that I also concurrently began a vigorous exercise and rehab program. Every night after birding with one hand only, I persevered. I bought a treadmill. I bought an elliptical trainer. I used them. Now they’re in the closet again gathering dust in the same way millions of my fans also avoid exercise at all costs.

But I digress. The important fact is my dedication to rehabbing myself was the true reason I again became a Hall of Fame Birder. It proves Woody Allen is correct in saying: “Ninety percent of success is showing up.” The other 10 percent is hard work -- and having a trainer who doesn’t ask questions when you tell him to inject your wife with the same elixir to make her a better birder.

In closing, if what I did was an error in judgment on my part, then I apologize. I accept responsibility for those two days. Everything else you’ve read about me using illegal drugs is hogwash. I have the utmost respect for the birding world.
I have always tried to live my life as an example for youngsters who have looked up to me as an honorable hero. I have even signed their pleas for autographs.

Well, most of the time. Except for when I have had a bad day on the trail and missed seeing the Swainson’s Warbler while visiting the southeastern USA during breeding season.

So if I have let down my birding fans that care about me, then I’m sorry. I hope you will not let two days of bad judgment ruin my lifetime of hard work. Incurring multiple injuries over the years of my birding career, including chronic Warbler Neck ache each spring season, should not alter my public image.

Again, I beg you to put those two days of impropriety into proper context. People that know me will agree that what I say here is true.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have my family to see and hug. They ask me to autograph their binoculars every day.